


5 times Even holds Isak as he cries and 1 time it is the other way around

by JuliaMG



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: 5 Times, 5+1 Things, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar Even Bech Næsheim, Boys In Love, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, Illness, Insomnia, Insomniac Isak, Light Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Romance, bipolar, prompts, sick
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-17
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2018-12-03 08:36:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11528565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JuliaMG/pseuds/JuliaMG
Summary: 5 times Even holds Isak as he cries and 1 time it is the other way around; the title explains pretty much all of it.





	1. The Nightmare

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language so I am sorry for any errors that might occur! ;)

Normally when Even is woken up by something in the middle of the night, he simply tries to go back to sleep, but this time something makes want to investigate. The dark room is completely silent, yet Even just knows that something isn't right.

The room almost feels too still, too quiet. He blinks up at the ceiling tiredly, wondering if this is just his brain playing tricks on him. It wouldn't be the first time paranoia invaded his senses. He carefully rolls over to the other side, facing his boyfriend. If he can't shake the feeling that something is off, he might as well take the time to watch his beautiful man sleep until it comes back to him as well.

That is when the heartbreaking whimper breaks the silence, and it's undoubtedly Isak, and instantly Even is wide awake.

He bolts upright into sitting position, hands going out to cup both sides of Isak's face. He winces slightly as he takes notice of the tremors passing through Isak's body, and leans in, hushing him gently, trying to rouse him from whatever hell he's stuck in.

"Come on baby." He whispers, gently stroking Isak's cheek with his thumb. The skin feels clammy and wet and with a pang Even realizes that there are tears in the corner of his boyfriend's eyes. It makes his heart ache even more, and he bites into the bottom of his lip hard, trying to control the emotion building in his chest as he helplessly watches Isak turn his head left and right between his hands, whimpering as if in pain.

"Isak." He tries again, this time going for a different approach. He gently taps Isak's cheek with one hand, gripping his shoulder with the other to hold him down slightly as he twitches but doesn't wake up. "Isak babe, come _on_."

He can hear the desperation in his own voice, but he doesn't really care, leaning in to kiss Isak's forehead sweetly. Even in the dark Even notices the way Isak's eyes are moving rapidly behind those beautiful closed lids, and he pushes back the sweaty hair. He has no idea why Isak just won't _wake the hell up_ , but he tries his best to remain calm. Maybe he will just have to wait it out?

Just as that thought hits him Isak starts to mumble under his breath, head turning to the side as another shudder overtakes him. Even tries to hush him again, frown etched deep into his forehead and worry clear in his eyes. His attempts go completely unnoticed by the sleeping boy.

"Mom..."

As the word leaves Isak's trembling lips Even freezes for a second or two. He feels cold, muscles stiff, as the word fully registers. Confusion runs through him and he doesn't know what to do for a second as a tense silence returns. Then, it is broken again:

"Mom... please..."

Isak's head turns into his hand and Even snaps back into focus. This time his attempts at waking Isak up are a little more desperate measures, and he shakes him slightly, keeping his voice low but the pitch high as he says Isak's name with more force than he ever can remember using.

" _Isak!"_

"Please don't..." Isak mumbles, eyes clenching despite already being close, head turning desperately, panic so clearly written on his face that Even feels like punching something. Isak's breath hitches, catches. He looks torn, but most of all he just looks so damn scared. "... Don't... _MOM!"_

Just like that, Isak's body startles and he scrambles desperately to get up into a sitting position with a shrill scream that breaks Even's heart. Even flinches back just in time to only barely avoiding getting hit in the face by a flailing arm. He misses a beat, hands going out to support himself but only finding air, and before he knows it the world _spins_ as he tumbles out of the bed. His back hits the floor painfully hard, and he is pretty sure he scraped his hand on the bedside table on his way down, because it aches. As he recovers from the startled movement of Isak and wills the pain away from his back, staring up into the moving ceiling, he can hear Isak struggling to get air back into his lungs, heaving like he can't seem to get enough of it, and he instantly crawls back up onto the mattress again.

"Isak, hey." He says, and makes a grimace as Isak's head snaps around to meet him, eyes wild and scared. Even crawls on his hands and knees, only stopping because Isak leans back, nearly falling out of the bed himself. Instead of approaching further, Even holds his hands up in a silent peace offering. "Hey, hey, it's alright."

Isak's bottom lip trembles, and tears are running freely down his cheeks, but he says _nothing_ and Even can feel the despair building in his own chest. His boy looks like a terrified, cornered animal, and Even just wants to hold him and never ever let him go. "It's okay Isak. You're not there, you're here, with me."

Even can see his words register as it klicks in Isak's brain, and not even knowing it he holds his arms open for Isak to bolt into. The air is nearly knocked out of him as he does, but Even couldn't possibly care less. Isak's body is once again overtaken by trembling, but this time raw sobs wracks him as well, and Even just decides to hold him close, cradling his blonde curls and leaving permanent kisses on the top of his head.

"You're okay." He whispers as Isak clings to his chest, fingers wrapped so tightly in his shirt that Even almost worries that he will never, ever let him go again. Not that it would really bother him. All he wants is to hold Isak and make sure that he is okay, that nothing will hurt him ever again. He repeats the words he thinks the both of them needs to hear. "You're okay. You're okay."

He places a wet kiss Isak's cheek as the door snaps open and Eskild is standing in the doorway, a bathrobe wrapped around himself, one arm holding the doorframe and the other gripping the handle, leaning forward and panting like he had been running. Noora and Linn are behind him, looking worried as well but also very tired and confused.

When Eskild notices Even he straightens, and huffs out a long breath, clearing his throat and Even can clearly see that he tries to find his composure again as he moves the door back and forth slightly, sucking in hard breaths.

"Is he okay?" He questions then after another beat of silence, nodding towards Isak who is still trembling in Even's arms. As he moves further into the room Isak buries his face into Even's shoulder. The sobs have died down, but his breathing is still shaky and Even gently strokes his back, trying to calm him down. Through the their thin T-shirts he can feel Isak's heart beating like crazy.

"Yeah, I think so." Even assures Eskild as he sits down on the edge of the bed. The mattress dips underneath his weight, and Even gently shifts to get himself and Isak into a more comfortable position.

There is a pause in which no one says a word, before Isak speaks up, voice small and squeaky, and muffled by Even's broad chest. It is the most beautiful sound Even has ever heard, he's sure of that.

"I'm right here Eskild."

Eskild laughs slightly, shaking his head in amusement. He is leaning over with his elbows rested on his knees, back crooked and eyes tired, but he still gives Isak a gentle pat on the back before letting his hand stay there, rubbing circles on the skin over the shirt. "I know you are." He whispers back, smiling gently, eyes warm.

Isak sighs quietly, and Even has to hold him up as he leans into him more heavily. He thinks that he must be falling back to sleep, so he gives Eskild his most apologetic look, but the other man simply shakes his head quietly. Even can't shake the feeling that Eskild had done this before, and he makes a mental note of asking him about it later. Right now though, the top priority is to make Isak feel safe, and that the both of them can agree on.


	2. The Stress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this took me so long to update, but I am truly so thankful for all of your support. It means the world to me, and I can’t express how much it has meant to me, to read all of your nice comments. It warms my heart, and it makes me want to write even more. I promise, I will continue this story! <3
> 
> Thank you again for all of your patience and all of your kind comments, and please leave some love on this chapter as well! It would mean the world to me! 
> 
> Now please enjoy. <33
> 
> Love, Julia.

"Isak, would you like me to get you some food?"

It's the fifth time Even has asked Isak that within the past three hours, and Isak is starting to get really annoyed. He is reading about fucking Biology, trying to study, with his books all over the table, can't Even see that? He won’t get this finished if Even is constantly nagging him about food. He can eat when he is done. This is far more important.

"No thanks Even." He only barely manages to bite down his irritation and it’s carefully controlled on the tip of his tongue as his voice is tight and hard. He tries to go back to studying, tries to focus on his books again. A beat of silence follows and Isak almost begins to hope that the conversation is over when Even’s voice bleeds through again.

"Isak, you should really get something to eat."

Isak sighs very heavily, breathing out his irritation and clicking his pen furiously on the table in an attempt to calm his nerves. Then he shakes his head slightly, pinching the bridge of his nose for a second before gesticulating widely over his books, trying desperately to prove his point so Even will get it and leave him alone. He can’t help the snappiness to his tone as he speaks.

"I'm _busy_. I'll just get something later."

“Isak _come on_.”

Isak looks up to see Even leaning against the counter, a frown etched into his features. He looks dead serious. His wide eyes tells Isak he thinks the younger man is being an idiot. Isak can’t tell why. It just makes him even more irritated. He leans back against his chair, popping the muscles in his back against the backrest before he gives Even his most incredulous look. He can’t fucking believe him.

Isak breathes the irritation with every breath he takes. What is Even even on about?

“What do you want Even?” He asks angrily, staring roundly into his boyfriend’s beautiful eyes. He must see that he is fucking stressed out of mind. Why is he being such a jerk?

“I want you to eat Isak.” Even counters without missing a beat, voice so confident and convincing Isak almost wavers. Almost.

“Yeah, well I’m busy.” Isak taps his pencil on the table rapidly, and wets his lips. They are dry. He can’t remember the last time he took a glass of water. For a second he looses attention and he lets his gaze get lost somewhere to Even’s right before snapping back into focus, giving Even his best glare. “You’ve asked me the same thing at least five times now. Will you please just drop it.”

“No.” Even says. He seems unfazed by Isak’s harsh tone. He just looks even more worried. It makes Isak feel slightly desperate. How can he be so goddamn calm? “No Isak, I will not drop it. You have to eat Babe.”

Isak blinks in surprise as Even uses his nickname for him. It’s strange to hear it in such a tense situation. Even only uses that word when they are making love, or... when he is really worried.

 _Fuck_.

Suddenly Even has Isak’s full attention and he stands up so fast he nearly looses his footling. Fuck. Fuck it. Even’s frown deepens as Isak briskly walks up to him, looking him over. How could Isak have missed this? Even is worrying too much over things that doesn’t matter. He is asking the same things over and over again. Maybe he is manic?

Maybe he is sick..?

He is such a bad boyfriend. He should have noticed the signs that something was wrong, but he was just so wrapped up in himself he didn’t notice. He is so selfish.

Isak places a hand on Even’s forehead, trying to feel if there is warmth there. His mind goes in a panicked circle as he tries to get himself under control but fails. Even instantly ducks away from his hand, and gives him the most confused look Isak as ever seen before grabbing his wrist, bringing it down.

“What are you on about Isak?” Even asks, and his voice has an hard edge to it. It snaps Isak back to focus, and he looks Even in the eyes. His forehead didn’t feel warm, and his eyes are clear. He is overreacting. _Fuck_.

“Sorry.” Isak apologises quickly, voice low and insecure, and takes a step back, protectively crossing his arms over his chest. Even’s face goes from irritated back to concerned, but as he takes a step forward Isak backs away. He knows he is being irresponsible, but he can’t help it. “I’m sorry.”

Even sighs but doesn’t reprimand him or question him about apologising, and instead gives him a steady, pointed look.

“When was the last time you had a real, full meal Isak?” He asks, and when Isak opens his mouth to protest he cuts in: “I know you’ve been skipping lunch, Jonas told me. He is worried for you, and so am I. You don’t eat breakfast either. And you barely had anything for dinner last night.”

“I...” Isak begins to protest, but he doesn’t have the energy to fight. Instead he reluctantly gives in and tells Even the truth. “I’ve just had so much to do these past few weeks.”

He gestures towards the books on the table and Even rolls his eyes dramatically, but Isak continues before he can interrupt. “It’s just a couple of lunches Even, it’s not a big deal. I studied for a test last lunch break, that I hadn’t had enough time to study for before. I bought a sandwich in the cafeteria before I got home. Jonas is just overreacting.”

“You can’t just skip lunch Isak. You have to eat. One sandwich doesn’t make up for a full meal.” Even protests, voice steady. Isak can’t keep his calm like Even though, and his voice raises slightly.

“I needed to study Even. I’m behind in most of my classes. I’m stressed the fuck out. My stomach rebels when I eat anything more. When I get this done...” He cuts himself off with a sigh and passes a look to the floor to ground himself with a deep breath before looking back up at Even who is looking even more worried now. “I just need to get past these exams and then I’ll be back to normal again. I’ll be _fine_. I promise.”

His attempt at convincing Even to let this go once again fails as his boyfriend lowers his head to glower at him with searching eyes. He tries to look stern, but Even’s eyes makes something vulnerable shift in his chest. Even sighs heavily.

“When was the last time you got a full night sleep Isak?” He asks instead, and now his voice is low, and very soft. Isak looks away to glare at something to Even’s right.

“It isn’t relevant.”

“Isn’t _relevant_?” Even questions, and this time he looses his cool. His voice goes up a notch and Isak can easily picture the angry frustration on his features. He stubbornly refuses to look at him. “I can’t fucking believe you Isak. _Of course_ it’s relevant. You’re not eating, you’re not sleeping. You’re _not_ fine.

He takes a breath to steady his breath before he continues. “You’re irritated and snappy all the time. I’m not blind. The stress is getting the better of you and you won’t be able to get anything done if you continue down this road, you hear?”

Suddenly Even sounds so much like Isak’s father that Isak feels uncomfortable. He doesn’t like to be scolded like a child, especially not by Even. It doesn’t feel right.

“I’m tired of this Isak.” Suddenly Even’s voice is soft again, and Isak glances back at him to see his face filled with emotion. He looks so worried. “You need to take a break. You’re wearing yourself down. Maybe you can’t see it, but I can. You’re going to break if you continue on doing this, love. You’re not invincible, no matter what you tell yourself.”

There is a pause in which Isak looks away again, trying to process what Even is telling him. His mind feels heavy now that some of the stress has bled out of his shoulders and the caffeine is no longer working it’s way through his system. He can’t even remember how many hours of sleep he got this night, but can’t have been more than three at most. “Do you understand what I’m saying Isak?”

Silence follows again for a second or two, before Even adds in a pleading voice:

“ _Please_.”

That does it. Something snaps in Isak’s chest and his defences runs thin. He can feel his face crumble before he is able to mask it up, and his body sack together as his knees grows steadily weaker. His hands begins to tremble and he turns his head to side, swallowing thickly.

He then takes a shaky breath to steady himself, and glances at the papers on the table from behind Even’s shoulder. They are scattered all over the place, and Isak can’t help but imagine how many hours he has spent in that chair, simply moving the pages around manically, not really taking anything in but more out of principe.

He sighs, helplessly, and finally allows himself to sink blindly into Even’s arms. His boyfriend instantly wraps his arms around him, as if this was what he was waiting for the entire time, and he holds him, rubbing soothing circles on his back to ease some of the tension out of his muscles.

They stay in that position for some time longer, Even not doing anything to break their embrace. He simply holds him, never once halting his hand on Isak’s back. The smaller boy buries his nose into his neck and breathes him in, closing his eyes to try and memorise this moment for just what it is. It’s beautiful. Despite everything, it’s beautiful. So beautiful.

Even smells sweetly from the perfume Isak bought him for Christmas. He wears the same T-shirt picturing Jesus that he wore when they kissed that time, so long ago. It is all too much all of a sudden.

Tears are forming in Isak’s eyes, and he feels almost embarrassed for it. He is just stressed out, he shouldn’t be crying on Even’s shoulder for it. Still, his boyfriend simply holds him, and Isak can’t help a small sniffle from breaking out from in between a couple of breaths.

Even buries his head in Isak’s neck and readjusts his grip so he can crush Isak hard flat against his chest. It feels like he is trying to hold Isak together, and it makes more tears spill from Isak’s eyes.

He doesn’t deserve a boyfriend like Even.

The next couple of minutes Even simply holds Isak tight against him, arms wrapped securely around his back. They say nothing, and Isak works his mouth to try and swallow past the wet lump in his throat. He blinks back the tears that are threatening to fall, and he is so incredulously happy that Even doesn’t say a word. He doesn’t need to talk right now, what he needs right now is this.

He needs Even to hold him. He needs Even to comfort his without prompting him to talk. He needs time to process this himself. Even’s arms around him is all he needs right now, making him feel worthy and calm and relaxed. It makes him feel like everything will be alright.

Isak sighs, and takes a reluctant step back. Even doesn’t move. He simply lets Isak take the lead, and then places one hand on Isak’s arm, rubbing calming lines along his skin, and the other on his neck. His eyes searches Isak’s as the smaller man lets his head fall down, quickly wiping at the tears on his cheeks even though he knows Even has already seen them.

When Isak looks up, Even meets his gaze and he smiles. It’s small and sad but genuine, his eyes speaks of hurt, probably over the fact that Isak hasn’t said anything yet, but he doesn’t force Isak into speaking, and the younger blonde doesn’t have to force the wavering smile that instantly lights up his features as he sucks in a stabilising breath.

“Can we get some Indian takeout?” He asks sweetly, tipping his head to the side and leaning forward with his hands on Even’s chest, embarrassment over his own stupidity slowly making his cheeks turn the smallest hint of red, but Even brightens up like the sun. He leans in to kiss him, passionately and full of conviction, before speaking, only a couple of centimetres away from Isak’s lips.

“Whatever you want Isak. Whatever you want.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment and let me know what you think! <3
> 
> Love, Julia.


	3. The Insomnia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! I'm here with another chapter of this story, and I really hope you'll all enjoy. I'm once again sorry that it took some time. I'm struggling with some personal issues, but I'm doing better now and I'm working on it, and really I hope I'll be able to continue updating more regularly, because I love this platform and everything that comes with it.
> 
> Writing truly means a lot to me, and I love all of the kind words and support you guys leave on my stories! So thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I have read the comments on the last chapter multiple times over the last months, and they always makes me smile. It truly means the world to me, and I'm so thankful that you guys take your time to comment. 
> 
> I really hope you'll be leaving comments and love on this chapter as well!! <33
> 
> Please enjoy, and have an amazing day! :) <3

"Isak babe," Even whispers through the dark, voice heavy and slow with sleep. "Why aren't you sleeping?"

Isak locks his phone immediately so the room goes completely black and puts it away on the nightstand, just for show. He rolls over in bed and faces Even, whose eyes are slowly falling shut again. Isak can see that he is struggling to stay awake, and he smiles softly, carefully adjusting the covers over Even's shoulders so the cold in the room can't get to him.

"Sorry." He whispers back, curling up against Even with one hand under his pillow, gently stroking the other over Even's cheek; brushing away some strands of hair. "I will go to sleep in a minute.” He promises. It is a lie, and Isak knows it. He is tired, but his body won't allow him to rest. It has been like this for the past few days, and he has gotten fewer and fewer hours of sleep. This is partly the reason why he asked Even to spend the night, because usually he always slept better next to his boyfriend. Today though, not even Even seems to be able to help him.

As Even stirs under Isak’s touch, Isak retreats his hand, hugging the blanket around himself instead, trying to ignore how fucking beautiful Even looks in his sleep. Isak wants to reach out and touch him again, but he doesn't want to risk waking him up.

This isn't the first time Isak has felt this way. The restlessness occasionally creeps into his bones now, especially when he is under a great deal of stress for a long period of time. Sometimes though, it just robs him off his peace and quiet without any obvious reasons, and it frustrates him even more when he can’t put his finger on the problem so he can _fix_ it. The restlessness overall makes it extremely difficult for him to sleep. No matter what he thinks about, how comfortable he gets, how long he lays there, or how many times he counts backwards from 100, he simply won’t fall asleep. He has tried exercising, taking pills, doing fucking yoga, but nothing works. It’s not that he isn’t tired. In fact, he feels ridiculously _exhausted_ for most of the time, but for some reason he just can’t fall asleep.

The first nights he spent many long hours staring holes in the ceiling was at Jonas’s, almost two years ago, when things started to get crazy at home and Jonas took him in as a part of the family. All of the stress and worry caught up with him when he was laying next to Jonas on the bed, feeling calm and safe and protected. He wasn’t afraid when he was with Jonas, and his brain saw it as an opportunity to take its time to subconsciously try and process the sounds of smashing glass and words of abuse at home. It confused him in the beginning, and his first fit of insomnia lasted for around two weeks. It steadily grew worse over the time, until he barely got more than three hours of sleep per night, and Jonas noticed of course. Most of his friends did, actually.

He walked around like a zombie during the second week, without eating or socializing much at all He picked a lot with his food in the cafeteria, lacking in appetite and never really finding the energy to put it in his mouth and chew. Everything tasted the same and he wasn’t really hungry. He was just really, really tired. His new behavior of playing with food brought up many uncomfortable conversations that Isak tried his best not to think about afterwards. The boys had tried to prompt him into eating at times, but reluctantly given up when he had come up with some lame ass excuse and rather hotly told them not to worry about it.

Not surprisingly, Noora was the first one who forced him into having a real conversation about it. He had noticed her observing him over the past week, but simply tried to ignore it. One day she stopped him in the corridor and held him up by his locker and refused to let him leave and escape to class until he talked to her. At first he downright denied having any problems whatsoever, rudely snapping at her that he didn’t have _anything_ that he needed to talk about, but when she carefully opened up about struggling with a eating disorder and anxiety, he slowly let the defenses down and opened up as well. He reassured her that he wasn’t struggling with the food itself, and loosely explained the many sleepless nights and the exhaustion he felt. She had looked concerned and a little confused, but she understood somehow, and Isak had felt good talking about it. When his problems subsided the next week and he managed to sleep at least six hours per night, he told her everything was alright again; and it was, for some time.

Then, he moved back home and once again found it extremely difficult to sleep. He told himself that talking to Noora wasn’t enough and that it wasn’t worth bothering her or the others, so he kept it to himself as much as he could. Over time he has gotten considerably better at functioning on fewer hours of sleep, and despite knowing that isn’t really an accomplishment, he is glad that he for the most time can keep it together around his friends. Magnus and Mahdi seems to have forgotten those first two weeks, but Noora and Jonas asks him about it at times, and it doesn’t really bother Isak all that much. Occasionally, when he thinks it won’t cause them too much trouble, he tells them the truth, even though he rarely goes into detail. The more sleepless nights he gets though, the more details he spill. It is as if the defenses he has built up is rendered weak when the exhaustion sets in, making him more open and willing to talk.

Jonas asked him about it a couple of days ago, when they were playing Mario Kart at Magnus’s and the other two were fast asleep; Mahdi leaning over the armrest and Magnus spread out on the floor. Jonas didn’t make a big deal out of it, and simply asked “how have you been sleeping lately?”, in a very gentle tone during one of the races. Isak didn’t look away from the game, and neither did Jonas, but Isak still gave him an honest answer: “Not too good.”

Jonas glanced at him, understanding in his eyes, but said nothing. When the game was finished he paused the screen and turned to fully face Isak, a warm look in his chocolate brown eyes, one arm throw over the backrest. “You know you can come and talk to me at any time, right? No matter what you need, I’ll be there. You’re always welcome at my place.” He said softly, and Isak nodded silently, grateful for the offer.

“Have you talked with Even about this?” Jonas asked then, and Isak shrugged, telling him “no, I haven’t”. Jonas straightened and Isak saw that he was about to start a conversation that Isak really wasn’t in the mood for, so he simply cut him off by promising that he would talk to him, soon.

Now he lays in bed next to Even three days later, and they still haven’t talked about it. It never feels like the right time. Isak observes every detail in Even’s face, mapping out the lines and shadows and memorizes the way he looks so calm and peaceful in his sleep. He can’t help but feel slightly jealous, but tries not to think about it. Over the past week he hasn’t been able to sleep much at all, and it’s beginning to get to him now. He is a lot easier to irritate, and gets mad at Even for the smallest of things. He hates himself for it, but he can’t bring himself to explain why, even though he knows Even notices that something is off. His boyfriend asks him about it sometimes, but he just shrugs him off, saying that it’s okay.

Isak sighs heavily and gently rearranges the blue covers over Even's shoulders again so that his naked skin is completely hidden from view. His boyfriend shifts slightly at the touch, mumbling something incoherent under his breath, and turns over so his back is facing Isak, but he doesn't wake up. The smaller boy is grateful. He doesn't want to explain why he is wide awake at 3 am, especially not to Even, not right now. He has already told him multiple times that he is okay, and besides, Even has enough to deal with as it is. Isak feels no need to add up to his worries. He just needs a couple of days, and then everything will be back to normal and Even won’t have to think about it anymore. Isak can handle this on his own, just like he usually does.

Isak’s legs itches and he desperately wants to get up and move around, but he just scoots closer to Even and nuzzles deeper into his neck instead, trying to ignore the urge of activating his body. He breathes in the scent of Even's hair and shirt, closing his eyes. He tries to slow beating of his heart by just listening to Even's slow, steady breathing, and even though it doesn't really work, it’s strangely comforting in a way. It makes him feel less anxious, and a lot more safe.

It does not take too long though, until Isak feels too warm and he has to move. He gently throws the covers off of himself, and shifts off of the bed, careful not to wake Even up. He walks out into the kitchen, tiptoeing on the cold floor. He’s not really hungry, do he just takes a glass from the counter and opens the tap, filling it with cold water. He drinks a little, letting the cool liquid run down his throat and it feels good. It makes his mind feel a little more awake, and it’s easier to deal with the restless itch in his body. Isak places the glass on the counter again, and goes to one of the windows, opening it to take in the beautiful night. It’s not too cold, but the chilly wind feels amazing on Isak’s skin. He closes his eyes, leaning against the frame of the window and listens to the sounds outside. The wind is soft as it shakes the trees, and somewhere a car drives through the dark. It all feels incredibly nice, and Isak loses track of time as he just breathes slowly, thinking of nothing in particular, almost nodding off for a second.

After some time has passed, Isak knows he should get back to bed, so he does, closing the window behind him. When he steps into the room again, Even has turned to the other side, facing him again, but his eyes are still closed. Isak falters in the doorway for a second before stepping inside, closing the door behind him as gently as possible, tiptoeing back to bed in fear of waking Even. He climbs up next to him, and pulls the warm covers over himself, trying to find a somewhat comfortable position on the soft mattress.

He continues to move around for the following ten minutes, sighing in frustration as he cannot bring himself to sleep. He is facing the door, with his back to Even, when his boyfriend’s voice speaks through the darkness. Isak nearly jumps out of his own skin, heart beating wildly against his ribs, and remains absolutely still for a second as he takes in what Even says. He really didn’t think Even was awake.

"Why aren't you sleeping?” Even whispers, repeating his question from earlier during the night, but he sounds surprisingly awake this time. Isak slowly rolls over to face him, and they turn out to be so close to each other that their noses nearly brush against each other. Isak shifts back a little, putting some distance between them. His mouth feels dry.

“I’m trying.” He answers quietly, and it’s the truth. Even observes him, eyes bright and searching, with a considering frown on his pretty face. Isak knows he is trying to figure out how to approach him on this matter, and Isak desperately wracks his brain for ways to get out of this situation. He comes up with nothing. They lay in silence for some time, looking at each other, until Even speaks up again.

“Are you having trouble sleeping?” He asks gently, despite obviously knowing the answer already. Isak nods, cheek scratching against the soft pillow. He wants to duck his head into the material and hide, but he knows he can’t. That will only make the situation worse.

“Do you often have trouble sleeping?” Even continues, frown deepening, scooting closer. Isak swallows hard, emotion suddenly welling in his chest, and he ignores the urge to move away from Even’s searching gaze. He can’t _think_.

“Sometimes.” Isak answers after a while, clearing his throat to try and disguise the croakiness. His head pounds.

“Sometimes?” Even repeats it as a question, and suddenly Isak can’t take the seriousness of the situation anymore. He sits up in bed, hugging a pillow to his chest, trying to make himself calm down. He feels a little dizzy, and anxiety gnaws inside of him. This isn’t the end of the world, he tells himself, but it doesn't help. It’s _Even_ , for goodness sake. Why does he feel so stressed? “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know.” Isak whispers, and surprises even himself by how defeated he sounds. Even instantly sits up right beside him, worried, and Isak can’t help but feel guilty when he notices the almost scared look on Even’s face. His boyfriend hovers for a second or two before he places an arm around his shoulder, rubbing circles on his back.

“Come on Isak.” He encourages gently. “Talk to me.”

“I’m just…” Isak stops talking when his throat closes up, and looks away from Even’s face, glaring holes on the floor. Even lets him compose himself for a second, but doesn’t back down. When Isak doesn’t continue, he takes a gentle hold of Isak’s chin, and turns him back around. Isak works his jaw furiously and allows Even to what he pleases. In truth, he doesn’t want to hide from him either.

“You don’t need to hide babe.” Even whispers softly, looking extremely concerned despite the soft smile on his lips. Isak searches his face for something to blame his own silence on, but finds nothing but love. He sighs heavily, intertwining one of their hands and placing it on his lap, looking down on their fingers, frowning too. Even squeezes encouragingly, and Isak blinks a couple of times, trying to form words. It’s difficult. He’s so _damn_ tired.

“I can’t sleep sometimes.” He admits quietly, still staring down in his lap. Even says nothing, but his hand is warm and it gives Isak some strength. He continues, stumbling over the words. “It’s not that bad, Evy, I promise. I just…” He pauses, and licks his lips. They are as dry as sandpaper. “It comes and goes. The not sleeping I mean. Sometimes it’s… worse…” He sighs heavily again, rolling his head to the side, subconsciously squeezing Even’s hand harder. “And sometimes it’s nothing. Most of the time it’s nothing… I…”

“ _Isak_.” Even interrupts and Isak looks up again, searching for irritation or _something_ similar to that in Even’s eyes. He can’t find any of it. “I don’t care that it’s okay most of the time. What I care about is right now, and right now it’s not okay. Do you see my priority right there?”

He is smiling and his voice is a little teasing. Isak chuckles gently, leaning over to rest his head against Even’s shoulder. The other boy lets him, but when he continues the smile drops from Isak’s face. He blinks tiredly into Even’s shirt, lashes fluttering.

“Is it stress?” Even asks, gently leaning his head to the side, resting his chin against Isak’s hair. The position is not very comfortable and it puts a strain on Isak’s neck, but he doesn’t want to move away. He feels safe being this close to Even, and he doesn’t have to look him in the eye. He shakes his head to answer Even’s question. His boyfriend takes another guess, and Isak can hear the hint of confusion in his voice: “Anxiety?”

Isak laughs quietly, but it’s a humorless sound and he instantly cuts himself off and leans back, away from Even. The other boy allows him to shy away, but tips his head down to try and catch Isak’s eyes, timidly searching for an answer. “Are you scared of something?”

Isak shakes his head again, but before Even can ask another question he sighs in frustration and buries his head in his hands. For whatever reason, his eyes are burning. There aren’t any real tears, but it feels strange and Isak rubs at them so hard spots of white erupts in his vision. He can feel a migraine beginning to take form in his head. He often gets them after many sleepless nights. Even is quiet, swallowing back whatever question he had on the tip of his tongue.

“I just have trouble sleeping sometimes Even.” Isak explains again, glancing at his boyfriend tiredly. “Yeah, sometimes it’s because I’m stressed. Sometimes it’s because I’m anxious. But most of the time, I don’t even know what the problem is. I just _can’t_ sleep.”

Even nods, frowning again, but his eyes are filled with understanding. Isak continues, voice raising a little in volume: “I’m just so sick of it, you know? Because honestly, I’m really, _really_ tired.”

He sighs again, but this time the breath catches in his throat and he coughs a little to try and stifle it. When he continues, something warm runs down his cheek, but he barely notices. “I want to sleep _so_ bad, you know, believe me I do, but I can’t, I fucking can’t, because my brain won’t _shut the fuck up_ , and I’m so sick and _tired_ of it.”

“Isak, hey.” Even whispers, almost urgently, one hand going out to touch Isak on the side of his face but the smaller man moves away from him, not ready to be comforted yet. He isn’t finished. His heart is still raising in his chest.

“It’s not okay Even.” He breathes out, voice catching again. “I know it’s not, but I just can’t sleep, and I’m _sorry_ , but there is nothing you can do about it, so I just didn’t want to bother you…”

“You’re never bothering me Isak.” Even protests firmly, eyebrows drawing together as he tries to get Isak to listen to him again. Isak stubbornly denies it.

“But I am - _I am_ , aren’t I? Because I don’t want you to…”

“Isak, listen here.” Even cuts him off, and Isak shuts up, swallowing back the messy stream of words that are ready to tumble out of his mouth. “You’re not bothering me. You never could be _bothering_ me. I love you, stupid.”

He takes Isak’s hand and places a gentle kiss on the knuckles, smiling sweetly when Isak looks uncertain on how to react. “And I’m not blind. I can see that you’re struggling, I have noticed it for quite some time now, I were just hoping… waiting for you to come to me about it. I didn’t want to pry, because I know that you don’t like it when I do that, and that you normally just need some time alone before you’re ready to talk about it, but…”

He trails off, smile wiping off from his face. Isak shudders as Even continues: “You’ve been doing this dance for months now and I just want you to know that I’m here. I’m here, _always_.”

“I know.” Isak whispers, and suddenly Even’s thumb brushes over his cheek. He frowns when something wet is smothered out over his skin. When had he started crying?

“I know.” He repeats again, almost desperately, and his breath hitches. Even sighs, and his face twists into something contorted by pain, grabbing Isak by the shoulders and forcing him into a bone crushing hug. Isak lets himself be manhandled, falling limply into Even’s embrace. “I know.” He whispers one last time, closing his eyes and breathing out heavily against Even’s warm body.

He is safe here, in Even’s arms, and no matter what, he is not alone.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for finishing the story, I really hope you liked it. Please leave a comment to let me know what you think and I will be sure to update this as soon as possible! <3


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